I’m floundering. I’ve been avoiding writing, which is my form of reflection, avoiding planning, avoiding work of almost any kind. I feel like I should be doing so much. I feel tired but I have no reason to be. I feel restless, but unable to focus. To Do lists help with my day to day tasks: make the car appointment, order daughter her oboe book, request library book etc.. But the bigger ideas and thoughts are uselessly swimming in my head, making me feel foggy.
Last year was hard – even before a pandemic. I took a leap and did a belly flop. My grand visions and big dreams slowly shrank and eventually evaporated. Worse, the imposter syndrome, that I thought I had put to bed, woke up and had doubled in size. ‘See, you can’t do this,’ ‘You really were fooling people after all’ became my internal monologue. This was all I could hear, to the point that in order to not hear it anymore I decided to quit. Don’t get me wrong, I finished out the school year – well until school was canceled- and found a home back in a former building. I’ll be back teaching middle school science in the fall (well, we’ll see what the coronavirus says about that).
Four months later, I am able to recognize what I could have done differently and reflect on the successes I did have, which were so hard to see in the moment. I am still reckoning with the internal monologue of “I gave up and quit”. Giving up is not in my nature. Perseverance is a trait I claim, but how can I claim that now when I gave up after five months?
I wonder if I should do something different. I find myself searching EdD programs and Technology Integration certificate programs. I have Teach Yourself Python bookmarked, as well as How To Program using SWIFT. I also have numerous tabs (and windows) open with webinars waiting to be watched. A stack of books by my bed keeps getting taller. I’m seeing people on social media doing 30 days of SCRATCH challenges, developing Micro:bit projects and whole courses. Meanwhile, I feel like I have lost my mojo.
I am trying to retrain my brain into: “I tried something new, it did not go as expected. I will learn from my mistakes as I move forward in my new role”. It is hard. I’m trying to enjoy family time, that will soon be numbered. I am trying to take this pause as a true pause and tell myself it’s ok to re-charge, and ok to let go and ok to start over. It’s hard.